A Lifetime on the Toilet

Dealing With a Bot (whilst drunk)

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

i was looking for fun..did i find it??

Jack says:

omg

well

Jack says:

I like world of warcraft

do u

?

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

hola baby, i’m 21/f your a man right?

Jack says:

I’m actually a level 68 mage

but to lesser beings

I’m a man

yes

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

great!, I just got home and I finally got some time to relax baby soo,which site did i msg you from again?

Jack says:

I believe it was Warlock’s Domain.net

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

Cause I know a way we can chat and have a better time papi rico.. do you cam?

Jack says:

A true mage never reveals his identity

so I will have to decline your camera chat fair maiden

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

Well i don’t do yahoo cam or any other cam because i have been recorded before… But i do know one site you can watch me on cam, that assures me no one records…

Jack says:

why waste time female, lets get straight to it

I’ll meet you by mount sodom

and we can take on the evil warlock king

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

I mean… Do you want to see me on my cam?

Jack says:

no

you’re not listening

wench

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

Ok go to http://www.freecamlink.net/fr5y accept the invite on the page baby

Jack says:

no

did you not hear me

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

sweet, fill out the info ur info.. i can not wait for you to see me baby let me find something nice to wear

Jack says:

answer me infidel!

I will smite thee

!

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

its the sites policy to ensure no minors get access to the site, so they might ask for CC to verify your age babe.

Jack says:

I AM A 178 YEAR OLD MAGICAL BEING

I NEED NO AGE VERIFICATION

BOW BEFORE MY GENERAL AWESOMENESS

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

What color Panties do you think i should wear? i might have you favorite color here somewhere…

Jack says:

PANTIES ARE NON ESSENTIAL ITEMS ON THE BATTLEFIELD

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

Your such a good boy, i’m gonna show you what good boys deserve.. you can tell me to do anything you want me too!

Jack says:

well if you could fetch me the magical gollum bollock potion from the neverealms I’d be eternally greatful!

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

Ok let me know when you get in so I can invite you directly to my cam.

Jack says:

KABLAM

ORCS GO BOOM BOOM BOOM

VinaHark9045@hotmail.com says:

u have to enter a cc, atm, or debit card so they can tell your of age, thats the ony way to see me sweety

Jack says:

on top of my monthly wow subscription?!

Quarterlife Crisis? What Quarterlife Crisis?

My younger sister’s birthday on a Friday night.

Given that I was having to spend the evening with a load of 18-19 year olds I felt like getting utterly trolleyed.

Like the classy/unemployed and painfully poor man I am I bought a bottle of ‘Glenn’s Vodka’ - self-proclaimed as ‘the exciting vodka’ - aka cheap shit and sat by the river polishing it off with a bottle of sugar free Blue Bolt from Sainsbury’s. Testament to how poor I am is that I didn’t even buy actual red bull, opting for Sainsbury’s own brand equivalent.

I was steaming already as I approached the club we were going to, the bouncer knew this immediately and said “you’re not going to be causing trouble tonight are you.”

‘naaha mate, look I ain’t a liar or nuffink so I’ll admits I’ve had a few but itshhh my sishtersh burrfday so you noes we selibrating….’

“look mate it was just a simple question alright, you’re going to talk yourself out of getting in in a second. Tip for the future is just say no, shut up and let me search you, alright’

‘oooohkaaayeee mate sorry, yous a good bloke, like I say I didn’t lie thooo and try say I weren’t pissshed I was totally…’

at this point he basically pushed me inside toward the pay kiosk.

It was a strange feeling to be off my face at about 10pm. Looking round a club whilst its at that tentative stage. None of the big tunes are being played yet, the club isn’t empty but its by no means full. People are probably on their 3rd or 4th drink, bit tipsy but fully intending to carry on toward oblivion. More importantly, the dance floor completely empty.

It’s tough to know what to do when you don’t actually know anyone you’re out with aside for your sibling who’s attention is all over the place with everyone wishing them happy birthday. Suffice to say my answer came when 54-46 Was My Number came on. Without further ado, pint of Castlemine in hand, I stumbled toward the empty dancefloor to get my rudeboy skank on.

Whilst I jiggled about, red faced, probably sweating profusely and spilling beer all over myself - sitting at the edge of the dance floor, looking rather subdued, I noticed the bird who has been the object of my affection/infatuation for the past few weeks sitting with her mates. I instantly stopped dancing and stood in the middle of the dance floor looking about thinking ‘christ I’m dancing on my own and probably like a bellend’. Then I suddenly get this idea ‘fuck it, seize the day son’ - so toward her I stumble.

I slipped slightly as I approached her and didn’t spill beer over her or anything, but the liquid moved around inside the glass and caused it to splash her table with a few drops. “Sorry girl” I say whilst grabbing her leg. I NEVER refer to women as ‘girl’. “hows you then?” I feel her awkwardly shuffle her leg out of my clammy grasp whilst forcedly smiling saying ‘yes I’m ok’. “So fancy a dance then” I nod my head back toward the dancefloor, which is utterly empty aside for two random fat birds now who are trying to do ‘sexy’ dancing. ‘eeeerm maybe later’. “ooooh right ok, well errrr, yea well I’ll see you maybe if I have a fag later or something? You still smoking actually?”

‘yes’

“good well I’ll see you, actually you haven’t got a spare one have you I fancy one”

‘only roll ups’

“couldn’t do us one could you”

‘errr alright’

She sits there rolling me a fag as I stand/sway at the end of the table. All of her trollish friends casting me glances of pity. I smile, whilst drinking more of my pint. The roll up is done.

“cheers”

I notice she’s only rolled one.

“you not coming for one too?”

‘no’

“oh right, well, see you about then…”

Time moves on from this point a bit. Club is a bit more lively. Few more people a bit drunk, many more dancers now.

I’ve had about 3 more pints since the last point. I chat to my sister’s mates a bit.

I corner one of the more pissed looking ones and whip out the charm. She seems to be responding somewhat, at which point my sister immediately storms over “what are you doing you bitch? This is my birthday and you’re trying to get with my brother, you’re SO disgusting…” etcetera. I wander off and leave them arguing.

I get another pint.

All of a sudden, I’m hit in the face by an epiphany of just how truly pathetic I am and at this point start having some sort of panic attack. I find an empty table and sit at it, really struggling to breathe. Some bird wanders over to see if I’m alright, playing good Samaritan. She’s rubbing my back trying to help me to breath, I really was struggling too at this point, but it passed. I look up to see she’s actually quite fit and instantly lean in to try kiss her.

‘what the fuck? I was just seeing if you were alright, fuck sake’

“waaaht? ”

‘eugh, Jesus’ she says whilst storming off. I then sit alone for a few seconds contemplating what’s just happened and then reach for my pint, promptly knocking it and spilling it all over myself.

I wander outside for another fag. I try to reach into my pocket for a lighter subsequently pulling out my wallet which falls on the floor, my change and cards etcetera spilling out everywhere. I let out a huge howl of ‘for FUCK SAKE’ which instantly attracts the bouncer’s attention.

I crouch down to pick everything up but lose whatever balance I had left and sort of slowly topple to my left in a kind of weird, crumbling motion leaving me lying on the floor in foetal position. Suffice to say the bouncer had ‘seen enough’ and I was kicked out.

For some reason, despite me living about 5-6 miles from town with a regular 24 hour bus service going close to my house, I fancied walking home.

Not much else happened.

I called a few people.

Left a few voicemails.

Pissed down the front of my trousers.

Flagged down a couple of taxis and asked them if I could get a free lift citing ‘if yoo dun ask ven u dun get, worf a try’ – they weren’t impressed.

And thus ends my story.

The Mangina Monologues - A new low.

I have spent a lifetime on the toilet says:

IVE HAD TO EAT MY OWN DICK TO MAKE ENDS MEET

The Pup {I-W-A-I} says:

OH WHAT

HAHAHAH

OH GOD

ITS A NEW LOW

I have spent a lifetime on the toilet says:

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAh

Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall getting the shit kicked out of him by irate members of parliament. That’d make good television.

The end of Hannibal - Stand up Funny

As in, the Ridley Scott film, not the original book. This sequence is particularly funny, and British TV People (I would’ve said ‘BBC’, but then I’d get some snotty cunt tell me “NAAAA THE THICK OF IT, THE INBETWEENERS”. Is The Inbetweeners even on the BBC? I’ve ruined my own blog) should take note as a guide to making all future comedies.

For those unfamiliar, Hannibal Lecter has just made his escape by chopping his own arm off, following a brave attempt from Julianne Moore to prevent yet another escape by handcuffing herself to him. He is on an aeroplane, and in the perfect semblance of health with his own pre-prepared flight meal, which includes a chunk of Ray Liottas’ brain in some tupperware. Then a small Chinese child, intrigued by his luncheon, asks if they may have some of the aforesaid. Lecter is delighted by this, and quips “well, as my mother said to me, and as yours will have no doubt said to you, it is always important..to try new things. Open up..”. As the child eats the brain, the final shot is a zoom in on one of Lecter’s eyes. This is genuinely laugh out loud stuff - what he says, the way he then says “open up”, and the tinkle tinkle music and zoom shot. 

If you are titillated by this, read the original books - specifically his relationship with the character Mason Verger. Thumbs up hilarious is the way he after feeding him a cocktail of highly potent drugs, convinces him to rip his own face off. In doing this, Verger takes out an eyeball, and eats his own nose. Lecter then brutally snaps his neck. What a punchline!

ERM

I don’t condone the below post from my contemporary.

I’m itching to know why Jacob lives in that big fucking stone foot.

How the other bloke is also a black smoke monster.

I also want to know if Hiro Nakamura will survive.

OMG WRONG PROGRAMME.

No.

P.S. Enjoy the below picture, anyone who ‘plays’ will naaamean.

Jack (Bauer)

NO! WRONG AGAIN!